What does it mean when you're late to your first therapy session because you simply forgot your insurance card and had to, had to, had to run back home to get it. KNOWING that it takes about 30 minutes to get to your apt and back to the office.
WAS I SABOTAGING MYSELF?
Short answer is no. Long answer is still no.
I just forgot my G.D. ins. card because I haven't been using my wallet because my wallet is a sticky piece of shit.
I've joined the ranks of the endlessly neurotic seeking introspective help.
or something! feelings! They're weird!
So it was new and different but also nice. The therapist talked just enough to get me talking more. There was a whole lot of talking and it wasn't all gobbledy-gook (<---the sounds kinda racist?)!
So that's that. If things ever get TOO REAL, which presumably they will, since I'm preeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure that's what therapy is all about. I'm probably not going to talk about it in this mofo.
there. i'm seeing a psychotherapist and now we wait *twiddles thumbs
Showing posts with label panxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panxiety. Show all posts
Monday, August 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Each time the
Is it oxymoronic, or simply moronic to be an anxious Midwesterner?
Answer?
Both.
Coming from the land of wide open spaces, field and flat lands and so on, it was perfect breeding ground to be relaxed and confident, knowing your places in the wide open expanse.
Wrong, the agoraphobes yell, their voices muffled from with the confines of their homes.
My anxiety often knows no bounds like those waves of grain or whatever we had, (soy I think) or grammatical rules. To completely contradict myself, I guess going back to my wide open spaces opening (ßDixie Chicks song, sue me; I grew up in OHIO), I do tend to find some relief when I’m in those locations.
Still, as an anxious Midwesterner I was never able to find solidarity with my brood (is that even the right word? Sure why not) in Ohio. Thank goodness I was able to find comfort and understanding with my big city brethren. The tall buildings, narrow streets, mass of people and constant pace, lends itself perfectly to those riddled or at least vaguely annoyed by anxiety.
Instead of therapy, I have this. ….? Better then nothing?
At least I have the cool, not cold; nothing so hair-pullingly dramatic, comfort that these bouts of anxiousnessness come few and far between and are not so crippling that I have to lock myself in the bathroom in order to regain my composer, this isn’t college any more folks!
UGH…---^^^******
Answer?
Both.
Coming from the land of wide open spaces, field and flat lands and so on, it was perfect breeding ground to be relaxed and confident, knowing your places in the wide open expanse.
Wrong, the agoraphobes yell, their voices muffled from with the confines of their homes.
My anxiety often knows no bounds like those waves of grain or whatever we had, (soy I think) or grammatical rules. To completely contradict myself, I guess going back to my wide open spaces opening (ßDixie Chicks song, sue me; I grew up in OHIO), I do tend to find some relief when I’m in those locations.
Still, as an anxious Midwesterner I was never able to find solidarity with my brood (is that even the right word? Sure why not) in Ohio. Thank goodness I was able to find comfort and understanding with my big city brethren. The tall buildings, narrow streets, mass of people and constant pace, lends itself perfectly to those riddled or at least vaguely annoyed by anxiety.
Instead of therapy, I have this. ….? Better then nothing?
At least I have the cool, not cold; nothing so hair-pullingly dramatic, comfort that these bouts of anxiousnessness come few and far between and are not so crippling that I have to lock myself in the bathroom in order to regain my composer, this isn’t college any more folks!
UGH…---^^^******
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
what you need
As for me, having a panic/anxiety...panxiety(!) is not something that I would have penciled in.
Get up
brush my teeth
make breakfast
get to the train
-> anxiety <-
get to work
->panic<-
and that will carry me straight through until the end of the day!
Thank goodness I have a schedule or else I'd really be fucked!
In the course of 12 hours, I have become so fixated on one idea, one train of thought, one possibility that could become an inevitability that I have lost any kind of words to express myself.
I'm no Madonna at this moment.
All I can feel right now is tightening in my chest and this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as if something truly horrible is going to happen.
Some kind of disaster that I have no control over or even know when it's going to strike. Like when the Empire struck back. No one knew! Or when the Terminator would come back, no one guessed it was going to be as a the governor of California. Did you? No, you didn't.
No one knows when anyone is going to return or come back with a vengeance or faster and furiouserer or even to be lost in New York! Macaulay, wasn't ready, how do you expect me to be?
restless and nervous, pretty much a moody, distractable ball of crazy. The motivation for this cluster fuck of nervousness is something that others would be excited over: the prospect of getting to know someone.
What if I'm not what they want?
What if they aren't what I want?
What if, after getting to know them initially, there are somethings fundamentally incompatible?
Or what if I'm not ready? or something...
What if, I'm just creating these problems because I'm a psycho and actually caught in a Twilight Zone episode where everyone else is normal and I'm the freak. How that differs from everyday...I've yet to figure out.
So,
you know
~~^~^~^~^^~^^^****
Get up
brush my teeth
make breakfast
get to the train
-> anxiety <-
get to work
->panic<-
and that will carry me straight through until the end of the day!
Thank goodness I have a schedule or else I'd really be fucked!
In the course of 12 hours, I have become so fixated on one idea, one train of thought, one possibility that could become an inevitability that I have lost any kind of words to express myself.
I'm no Madonna at this moment.
All I can feel right now is tightening in my chest and this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as if something truly horrible is going to happen.
Some kind of disaster that I have no control over or even know when it's going to strike. Like when the Empire struck back. No one knew! Or when the Terminator would come back, no one guessed it was going to be as a the governor of California. Did you? No, you didn't.
No one knows when anyone is going to return or come back with a vengeance or faster and furiouserer or even to be lost in New York! Macaulay, wasn't ready, how do you expect me to be?
restless and nervous, pretty much a moody, distractable ball of crazy. The motivation for this cluster fuck of nervousness is something that others would be excited over: the prospect of getting to know someone.
What if I'm not what they want?
What if they aren't what I want?
What if, after getting to know them initially, there are somethings fundamentally incompatible?
Or what if I'm not ready? or something...
What if, I'm just creating these problems because I'm a psycho and actually caught in a Twilight Zone episode where everyone else is normal and I'm the freak. How that differs from everyday...I've yet to figure out.
So,
you know
~~^~^~^~^^~^^^****
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