when you say my

OK OK OK OKOK

So, let's talk about gLee for a second? Can we? No, well, who asked you (i did, <--------over there).

Of course we are going to talk about gLee a'durh.

So this episode was "The Power of Madonna." This is probably hands down the most legitimate (non fanboy, which I guess I am) fun I've had watching gLee.
I love the show and while I love almost every episode I've watched, I really liked this episode. Like, like liked.
Like, I would want to ask it to junior prom, have my mom drive is to The Olive Garden or Applebees, buy it dinner, hold it's hand the entire night, slow dance with it, then give it an awkward tentative kiss after I had my friend (who had a car) drive to their front door. Then I would write gLee a note and pass it to it before 2nd period that Monday after the dance, saying how much fun I had.

This episode was all about empowering yourself, finding yourself, changing yourself or losing yourself. Or, losing it! By it I mean doing the nasty (fuuuuuuuuuucking). Madonna was brilliantly used, because COME ON, she is the queen of reinvention and artifice. Like my roomie said, she's a cultural artifact (she's old!). ANYWAY

Sue, megalomaniac that she is, of course idolizes The Donna. She makes a sexy blackmailing deal with the principle (whom if you remember she drugged), to play Madonna full blast in the school then eventually kick some students out, with 35 dollars and a bus ticket to New York.

First why couldn't my school (which was in Ohio) play Madonna at my school? Right, because I live in real life.

So Sue, genius that she is, wants to empower or change everyone to be more like Madonna, she starts with the Cheerios but expands to the ENTIRE school (squeee). We soon see shots of different era Madonna's roving the halls! ughh...me!

The lady's of Glee are having their lady times in the practice room; talkin' bout how boys are dumb and all they wanna do is sex a girl up and what if she's not ready? and what if he won't like her if she's say no?? and what if he wants her to change from her stupid goth look that midwesterns lurvz??? and what if he get's me preggo and acts like a jerk???? ( a lil too real) and what if no boiz notice me????? Too. Real.

Answer to all these questions is MADONNA. Use the power of her song to show the d00dZ who's boss. The guys are all apprehensive like somehow singing Madonna will make their penis flop off. It won't. It'll just turn you gay. gay gay gay gay. The girls are all like: You fools stoopid. And sing

Express Yourself - This is what i thought whilst I was watching. You go girl! That's what I thought. And they did, they really did go.

There's the continuing DRAMZ between Finnigans Wake and Rachael McAdams. Will they or won't they? Will i care or won't i care? I say that I won't but I probably will. Well they did a (s)mash up (that's when to songs are placed on the front of two cars then driven into each other to make some sounds), of Borderline/Open Your Heart. It was a good duet. Mind you, not as good as when Rach and Jesse sang, but you know kinda a safe and warm like a ratty old blanket. You see they still want to be together, obviously, but they don't know if they can open up to each other or even if they have to change in order to make it work.

But prior they decided to make it work with others. To see if they can change for someone else; be something else for someone else who will appreciate it.

This happened with most of the couples on gLee.

Rachel n' Jesse
Emma n' Will
annnnnnnd
Santana n' Finn (dun dun dun!)

So, listen, Santana, in a bid to win over Sue's favors and become more madgey, decided to get with Finn (since he is like 3 days younger), and take that V-card. Empowering herself; changing Finn. It's a win-win, for her, it's win-in for her.

Emma, after getting the proverbial smackdown by Sue. Denying her MADONNA ubertragedy. Emmas was like ef it, time to get busay, do the nastay and start the foreplay at 7:30. Sharp. Will was.....excited. Empowering her sexy self.

Rachel, probably in a move to try and forget about Finn is going to make it with the dreamest of villains Jesse. Plus how can anyone resist the subtle manipulation of a gay, (seriously, call me). While she was wearing a purple caped negligee.

Like A Virgin, was turned into a 6 part song extravaganza. Arguable on of the best numbers of the night. The three that had the most to lose, things like; virginity, self-respect...cleanliness, other nonsense, had fantasies about what it would be like. That much proliferated myth of the first time. The song was fun and sexy and moments felt a little dangerous, like most first times, but was ultimately disappointing for most of the character...like most first times? Rachel realized she was "doing it for all the wrong reasons." Emma freaked a lil, of course. Finn did "it" then he got the buyers remorse, and probably chlamydia.

SIDENOTE:

Errmrmm Santana was all sing-sangin' on the episode.

SIDENOTE OVER

Sue, in the meanwhiles was having some empowerment issues of her own. Worried about her image or lack there of. Recruiting, Gay Kid and Aretha, that's Kurt and Mercedes for everyone not in the "know," Sue had her Madonnaesque reinvention.

a la: Vogue. They basically redid the musik video. It was a'ight. I lorf me some voguin'z but it was...merk. I guess the magicks was gone since they played the full thing after the episode of last weeks gLee and ey'body and de momz was already bloggin' bout it bout it.

Sue comes to her sense and goes back to Classic Sue; track suit, sinister sneer and kung fu grip. Like Classis Sue, she recruits Gay Kid n' Aretha AGAIN to do a number with the Cheerios.

Four Minutes was really spectacular. Not only because Mercedes and Kurt had the Cheerios and Marching Band as their back up, but also because, they are talented and I think even the writers new they haven't used them to their fullest sangin' potensh. Plus they laid the verbal smack on Schue, who is arguably the worst Show Choir Director ever.

So so dumb.

The boy's were trying to get over beng scured that their penises will fall off and runaway from them if they sung Madonna by singin' What it Feels Like for a Girl. It was a cool interestingly arranged acapella version. The boys sang and sounded good and changed a lil it and 'pologized to the ladays that they had wrong or whatever. Except for Puck who was like "na, evz I ain't down wit that." Which is ok because he is super hot.

Oh! and guessssssssss who moved the district, transferred to McKinley High and joined the Glee Club.....me! I mean Jesse! To bang Rachel! and even more likely to fuck shit all to hell for the our gLee kids.

So this episode ended with, Like A Prayer. Everyone on gLee is need of a prayer; Rachel, that her love won't blow up in her and the Glee clubs face, Finn that he'll still have a chance to win Rachel and that he didn't get the clap from Santana, Kurt n' Mercedes have a had their prayers to be stars answered a lil bit, Will is still hopin' for that sweet love from Emma, Emma is prayin' to get over bein' a germophobe and get lizzaid, Jesse that he'll take down glee and get in Rach's pants and the rest of the kids have a prayer to get more screen time. Well at least Santana and Brittany rocked that shit last night.

Rocked it.

I don't know why you say

HELLO....hello? echo-cho-cho-ho-o-o-o

Wow, what a stupid way to start a post. Stupid and cheesy and delicious and potentially heart attacky like the new KFC HeartTerminatrex.

But you know, I can't help it.

So let's get "down n' dirty" into the real "nitty gritty," to the "meat n' potatoes" to the other folksy saying of why I'm written in this mofo.

GLEE.

obviously.

Glee, or gLee as I like to type it, premiered last night. It was amazing, of course. I'm not that blinded by the glitter and rainbow puppies that is this show to say that it was perfect but it was pretty gosh darned good.

There were moments when the writing was a little uneven. For example: Emma's return to her position, Finn and Rachel's relash and Puck n Quinn's relash. I gueeeeessssss you could say a'duh Emma is going to come back and Rachel would wrangle in Finn but come on, give us sooooome reasoning. Some seasoning reasoning.

But God Damn! Brittany what a beautiful/stupid character! From gay sharks to forgetting her own name there is not one thing that is wrong with B, except for perhaps her chromosomal levels.

The addition of Jesse St. James (ie: my future husband -slash- current sweet sweet fantasy) was amazing. He and Rachel are like one of those couples that make you want to tear your eyes out with their ambition but when they sing it...mmmhmmm I wouldn't kick that out of bed. Well I wouldn't say no to that in bed n e ways so.....that's that.

Let's talk about some tunes shall we?

Hello, I Love You as sung by local JockTard Finn was great b/c well he doesn't have a pretty voice; he has a voice made for classic unpolished rock. It was good cuuuuurz it was his style and he also wasn't too horrible AutoTuned. So that was fun.

Hello by the All 'Merican Rejectz (or something) was owned by Rachel. She bitch slapped Finn with her vocals, so that was you know...good for her! After he totally ditched her for a potential threesome....duh.

The most outstanding number was Hello with Rachel and Jesse because Jesse is as talented (I almost wrote ass talented, which would also be true) as Rach. And he has the confidence of 3 Regional wins. The harmony were like two voices fucking it was that good.

Jesse showed how awesome he was with Highway to Hell, sure it was a little to sugary and playful but THAT BOY CAN SANG. Again Jesse, or I guess ,actor who plays Jesse, I'm here, here for you and waiting.

Hello, Goodbye was pretty good the dynamic between Rachel and Finn was fun, if not a little contrived. Finn fine you'll try to idiot woo her with you idiot charm and now we have ANOTHER love triangle (babble triangle) to hear about.

Let's talk about the non-singing:

Each time Sue Sylvester is on screen, I die from joy. Her loathing for Glee club seeps from her pores in the most organic way that is just amazing. She bribes her students, mocks and harasses her co-workers, (hatchet to the groin! ouch!) and Drugs and Pseudo-Rapes and Blackmails her employer, she is the all-American hero. I think right?

Terri was phenomenal, she knows how to twist the knife so gently in Emma's side that it's kind of like watching a artist shade a landscape. Good for you Terri, you crazy bitch, good for you.

Idina Menzel...errrr...I mean Shelby C. was a little wooden, but hopefully she'll get better. She'll make a good villain and I hope she totez bones Will. Sidenote: Will being sexy can tone it down like 50 percent, seriously, you freak me out. Stop. Thanks.

So that was gLee.
It was awesome, can't wait for the rest of this halfsies season.

It's a candle with blood in it; it smells like soup

Well here we are again. In the woods of Bon Temp with a crazay sex partay.

Seriously?

Lord knows I lurv me a good orgy (what?) but after weeks n weeks of sexin' it up, a lil' break is necessary, no? Luckily, for us we also have murrrrrder! Or ritual sacrifice (which ever you prefer). Poor Sam, after finally having some freaky fun with your Doe eyed grrl, all she wants to do is lead you to the slaughter at the hands/claws of Maryann, her local Menaed priestess/devil's handmaiden thing or whatever, she has a bull head, that's actually a mask, does her head get transfigured into a bulls head?? I don't get it.
Luckily Sam remembered that"oh i have super powers" and flew on outa there. While everyone started screamin' their heads off, all black eyed and sexed up.

Sookie and Hugo are trapped in a church.
Sookie and Hugo and Godric are trapped in a church.
At least Sookie called out for Godric at least to see if he could hear her, which he most likely did since you know he has super human hearing, (I guess it's not super human since he's a vampire, so it would just be regular...vampire hearing...)

Well well well, and now we find out that Hugo is actually, a spy, look out secret squirrel, True Blood has a basically non-descript white guy to one up you! He does drop a few truth bombs on Sookie explainin; how the human-vampire relash, is a power play that has set dominant and sumbissive players that cannot be changed or challanged due to the fact that, they are immortal and humans....are not....
Sucks to your ass-mar Sookie says: "Bill loves me and I love him end of story, lalala I can't heaaaaar you," and with a telepathic super blast calls poor Barry Bellhop to get Bill to save her.
Because Sookie always needs saving.

Bill n' Lorena are hangin' out in the Hotel and having flashback to the good ole days. At first I thought the Lorena's acting was horrible, but now it's just bad like sad bad. Like in the flashback she was clapping like it was an imitation of what humans are supposed to do with the sacks of fles n bone that hang from their soldier blades. UNlike the last flashback where we see B n' L having sex n blood and on top of a dying girl in this lil flash we see Bill as we've always known him kinda boring. What upsets me most I think, is that we don't see the middle step of how Bill got to be a wet blanket, he just is and was sick of blood play and oh never loved Lorena. Well Lorena's pissed and isn't get let him go.
Oh and vampires bleed if they don't get sleep. Gross! Awesome!

Speaking of gross/awesome, Jason really does the perfect, what the hell did i just do, look on his face after he had sex with Sarah Newlin. What did you just do? You banged the Pastor's Wife, that's what. And now she's in rubba-dub love with you and will tell her husband and everything will be great!

That is until Hugo reveals Sookie last name and Steve Newlin finds out that Jason is Sookie's bro and send Sargent scary to take out Jason. So that's not so great. And once Jason fights of Sarge, because Jason is awesome, Sarge goes to rape Sookie.

Did I mention that Mr. Newlin told Mrs. Newlin and Mrs. Newlin goes all crazy scorned and shoots Jason in the chest. Yeah, that happens too. (The gun was obvi either a dart gun or a taser, we're not dumbies Alan Ball.)

Back in Bon Temp. Poor Andy tries to tell the people that they are all turning into black-eyed sex zombies. And they're all like STFU drunk. (I secretly wish that they all retain the memoriez and are just playin' dumb to get away with the sex parties without being "those" people that go to sex parties, but you are, you are those people citizens of Bon Temp). I can't wait till Andy comes out triumphant, or horribly slaughtered on his way to expose the truth.

Sam, like Mrs. Newlin, gets all lover scorned and takes out his gun, it's deer season. Here is were we finally get an explanation for Maryann. She controls people through sex, violence and excess (duh) and sacrifices people to the Devil or Dionysus, which might be the same in this universe. Sams all "well shit" and that's basically it for him this episode.
Daphne on the other hand keeps swimming and then later on at night, she's still swimmin' and get's murder/stabbed by zombie Eggs will Maryann smiles benignly. And Daphne sorta smiles? or is that just the blood gurgling up through her mouth, you know I can never tell!

Meanwhile Isabelle, Eric and Cowboy hat vampire discuss whether it's an inside job that got Godric kidnapped in order to start a Vampire v. Human war in Dalles. Probably! Then Barry Bellhop shows up to tell Bill the telepath news, and of course he's snagged up by a Vampire. Durh.

At the end of the episode, we have Sookie being saved by Godric who is looking......not as good as he was looking in Eric's flashback......which is disappointing.


I want to end this recap with a NON-disappointing note:
squeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hoyt and Jessica are going to lose their V-Card (heh) to each other. Sure Hoyt is 28 and Jessica is dead, but it's the most real(realistic) relationship in this program. He put on "Bleeding Love" for chris'sake.

Images via:
io9
The Vault-True Blood Online

We Don't Need No Stinkin' School

Oye chico, son 6 méses, y now Sra. Botwin es living with Esteban. Yup.

We find the newly formed Reyes-Botwin, or would it be Botwin-Reyes? couple in the huge-ass bathroom. A visibly pregnant Nancy is taking a shower, and Esteban is reading a baby naming book, "What NOT to name your baby." Almost everything, down to the literature, about this baby is negative, this child, if he makes it, is going to need some serious therapy.
There's a kind of ease and comfort to their relationship, that, I assume, one can only get from living under the same roof in relative happiness for 6 months. They even cuddle!...With Esteban naked...? Sure, whatever works.

And now Nancy is engaged! Why not! Anything that will keep her tied to Esteban, keep her tied to life, she's willing to do. Not only for her own safety but also to have something over anyone really, she needs to feel power, especially when she is in a powerless situation; all her well-being depending on Esteban. She tries to bring the news to shame, I mean Shane, (who was conceived when Ms. Botwin was hammered btw, oh the joys of motherly revelations!). Pero, sorpresa, Shane cool as a cucumber, drinkin' his cafesito, is all, "duurh mom, Esteban and I totes had that convo". Oh teens, will you ever cease to be precocious? Oh lawd even Mr. Dreamy Ignacio knew. Maybe next time Nance.

Off Shane and Ignacio go to school. Psych! Off they go to the streets to get some real education. While Nancy is left to ponder, breaking the news of the engagement to El Andy.

Feeling equally powerless is blonde beauty Silas. Having to deal with a douchebag cop that, according to a school friend, is mildly retarded, (I'm beginning to agree), that is hanging around the shop much too much. Wanting to get "faded." Ugh, the only reason he became a cop was because he was too annoying to get invited to any parties so he decided, "if I become a cop, I'll have to get friends, especially if they don't want their parties busted." Smart?

Andy, Andy with a full beard and a lil, (substantionally, he was a thin guy!), more belly then when we left him. Remember the super adorbz outfit he had like 2 episodes ago when he was tryin' to be all sporty spice? Controlling the only woman in his life right now: Ms. Pacman. Ms. Pacman won't break up with Andy in a note and runoff to her Mexican druglord/Mayor/baby-daddy; Ms. Pacman won't force Andy to fuck her while a thousand hobos watch them; Ms. Pacman just wants to eat ghosts, and right now, that's all Andy wants to do as well. So Andy wasted all his money on toys, because if he had kept it, he would have been reminded how much he failed to get Nancy.
But guess which ghost won't stay buried? That's right! Nancy.

Before we can get to that! Isabelle is stuck with the disgusting job of giving Doug the cheapest, fakest tan; worthy of New Jersey. Isabelle somehow keeps whatever she might have in her stomach down, I think it was mostly through the power of snark. There are moments when you see flashes of both Celia and Nancy in Isabelle, understandably since they are, God help her, the biggest role models she has. Are you there God it's me Isabelle. After sassin' her momma's lazy ass to walk to the bus stop to get to work in the mall, Hodes goes back a'sprayin'.

Now for your main event. Andy, lost in his the arms of Ms. Pacman get's a phone call from she-who-must-not-be-named. Ignoring her like he has been for the past 6 months he let's it ring. But of course with news like this Hurricane Nancy will not be stopped. Like gale force winds in swoops Nancy into her old haunt. Andy ignores her. Nancy monologues about how he hasn't been there for her, srsly? Nance, you left him, dumping him with the dumping plan he came up with. So I'm glad he ignored for as long as a did. This once again felt Nancy probably feeling a lil powerless. Didn't even need to tell Shane, Ignacio, fuck even Silas and now, well her lil puppy El Andy has grown a beard and didn't give you the reaction you expected. So off she goes.
What saw you El Andy?
Fuck.

Doug is talking about how George Hamilton screwed his step-mom, lives off his rich friends and is basically boss in every way and that gave him the idea to stand up to the idiot cop and kick him outa the store. But Idi-cop tried to hit him, swing an' a miss! and down goes tubby and boom! knocked out thanks to the counter. Well, fuck. Silas, your local clown just screwed you like G-Ham screwed his step-mom.

In prison, Nancy finally gets what she wants. She tells, Guillermo that not only is she still alive and pregnant but she's gonna stay alive and pregnant now that's she's going to become Mrs. Reyes or Botwin-Reyes or whatever. The thing about Guillermo and Nancy is that they can push each others buttons so well and they lurv seein' each other squirm. Guillermo with the knowledge that Nancy's boi'frien killed a DEA and he might be getting out soon; Nancy with the certainty that if she asked she could probz get Guillermo capped. Soooooooo finally a round goes to Nancy and her kickin' baybay.

A quick pit-stop at the links, where we see Shane enjoyin' thug life con Ignacio. Taunting white people is fun. It's a well kept secret in the P.O.C. community and I really shouldn't be saying it but it is. So Shane got to pretend to be all under-privileged, ummmm you live in a manse with the Mayor of Mexico, and heckle whitey playin golf, possibly one of the whitest sports evah, I don't care what you say Bagger Vance. Then Shane saw Ignacio go APE-SHIT. See that's anger that's crazay. Shane has a while to go before he get's there.

Back at the house Nancy complains that she's fat, ermmm no. Even for a preggo, still pretty thin. Shane never wants to go to a sporting event with Ignacio. Ever. And Ignacio is fine and just bounces somewhere, maybe to go see milo and otis. Esteban goes to fence. Enter El Andy, after some light saber moves that would put George Michael Bluth to shame, El Andy and Esteban start to duel. It's kinda hot in that misogynistic way that they are basically fighting over Nancy. Of course Esteban wins. He's a winner/tool. And besides El Andy had lightsaber moves against a guy that has a personal fencing trainer.
At least El Andy get's a some good words in with Nancy. 1(Judah), 2(Peter), 3(maybe Esteban, since all her husbands seem to die....pretty quickly) times a widower. Have you guy's forgotten about Peter Scottson DEA? Andy hasn't. With that El Andy breaks free from Hurricane Nancy (for now).

Celia, while waiting for the busy, meets the woman she will now cling to as hope to build herself up. An Avon-Lady type woman. Yeah poor Celia, life hasn't turned out great for you has it? Now you'll aspire to be an Avon-Lady. Sigh, everyone should have a dream.

In true Weeds fashion, an ending isn't an ending without a cliffhanger. Enter Mysterious Woman. MW, not only shoots amazing eye dangers at Nancy, but basically tells Esteban, white lady got to go. Then leaves. That's power Nancy, you should take lessons. With that the weddings off.

Isn't life fun?

Mickey is a stuck up whore that let Chase finger her in the church

Oh, welcome back True Blood, 4th of July weekend was not the same with out you.

Jason just how I like him, confused/scared/angry, all due to the prank is church bros played. Not funny dudes. Then he get's all Jesus-y. This is really only because that was the last thing he heard. He's kinda like a parrot or a puppy.
So parruppy got all war n' light n' vamps aren't funny guys seriously, and it made everybody uncomfortable, including him really, he's just too dumb (by choice? I dunno) to figure it out.

Back to Bill, being Mr. Mom and tryin' to stop Jessica from gettin' her swerve on with Hoyt. I thought Hoyty-toyty and J where super cute together and then realized she is like 17 and he's, what? 22-24? then I was a lil skeeved, then I thought, it's The South, so I'm back to it being cute. Plus she's dead, so evz. After Hoyt is adorable and leaves being a gentleman, because that's how he rolls, Bill once again get's all stern fathery to Jess, but she ain't buyin' it. Good for her. She can kiss all the boyz she wants, she's dead n' lovin it. Oh and I'm so happy that she still had her vampboner, and was a like giggle giggle giggle, this is probz how boys/Hoyt feels.

Sookie, shut up Sookie. you are likes those girls that nobody really likes but only hang out with b/c they have a hot sibling/boyfriend (or in Tara's case b/c they are less annoying than their alcoholic mother and hey you have a house! and a supah hot supah dumb bro!) and they eventually just become your friends. Initially they think your sad but pretty and are trying too hard. but that's just who you are. You try to be smart and cute and mature, when in reality you still have no idea how the real world works. I hate you.

Anyway they are planning a lovers getaway/mission to dallas. At least we know now how vamps travel. Night Coffins! So long to Dallas!

Hello naked Sam n' Daphne, the great thing about Bon Temps is that everyone can be naked all time. Just some quick exposition, exposing the audience to the fact that we know nothing of Sam's past other than he fucked some witch/mythical Greek thing when he was a puppy. Oh and he hates the citay. Oh and that Daphne wants his dong, and she is also probably a monster. I'm not sayin'...i'mjustsayin.

Speaking of monsters! Tara, the face contorting camera monster told Maryann the awesome sex drugs and dancing monster that she is leaving to live with Sookie the self-righteous monster. I guess if I was a more moral person I'd be happy, but I'm just kinda sad for Tara because she's giving up free rent, food etc etc to live with Sookie, ugh.

Back at the Light of Jesus will Kill all Vampires Super Happy Funtime Summer Camp, or whatever, Jason and the boys are talkin' bout vampires. Lazarus, Jesus (drink my blood it'll give you super powers!) and Cain, all possible/plausible(?) vampires. And Lukez becuase he is scared of women, after the one time a girl was a lil disappointed over his size, and that other time he just couldn't because he was "too drunk," blames all evil on Eve. Jason, in a brief moment of intelligence calls him a dick. And he is; Luke. Is. A. Dick.

And then Pastor Newlin called Jason outside so he could show Jason his cock, I mean gun. His gun. Then they go around being manly and not all homoerotic, shootin' lil cut-out vamps. Ah, there is the rub; killin vamps, talkin bout bullets of silver and wood. Pastor Newlin totally got a bonerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr when Jason talked about Eddy dying. When Jason, Pastor and Mrs. Pastor/Sara, all have a lil BBQ, Jason has a beautiful /gratuitous montage about Sara bein' all sexy n slutty, it put Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" to shame. And then they gorge on meat. SRSLY JUST HAVE A THREESOME.
After some bating by Luke, sayin' that Jason is just a sex toy for them, after they invited Jason to live in the Newlin Residence, Jason was all like psssh naw, but secretly thinking "I'm gonna bang a preacher wife" but then he get's all confused because he likes Sara as "pure"

Speaking of threesomes! Actually nothing, transitions are hard! It's Tara's birthday and guess who isn't there, Sookie, Tara's bes'frien' in the whole wide world. So Tara is crying on her birthday, like we all do, right? right??...? I mean no not me ever...what? And right on que enter the super fun orgy gang! complete with cake! Tara says fuckit, let's party. As anyone that's always had a miserable b-day and is all alone would say. Let's get drunk and dance.

Oh and in case you forgot Miss. fakewitch got her heart ripped out. juuuust in case you forgot, it was also probz maryann, nice scene placement. Andy is drunk n' talkin bout pigs. What a crazy!

At Merlottes, er'body bored. And again like most people get when they're bored, let's get drunk n dance (right? only me? ok!)! Daphne is givin' ole Sammy-pup the google-sex eye. To which I and, Thank G, Arlene both go "psssssh pur-lease." I fell in love with the red-headed murder marryin'(almost!) vixen. Tara's sad mom gives a a gifty to Sam to give to Tara. What a great excuse for a prude to go to a orgy, I mean party party.

Then it's the partay! Or how Tara got her groove back. Get her groove back indeed. So, did everyone, even Sam! annnnd oh snap! Daphne know's he has an all too spesh connection with dogs. Then they all start fucking basically. With bodies, with cake, with booze, with dirt, with fists, what a great eyes turning black party!

In Dallas, Sookie is annoying drunk as she is sober, you ain't an adorable drunk sooks you are inane. Then they capture a would be kidnapper. And Bill takes of the training wheels and let's Jessica glamour him. That's what's great about having like a character like Jessica, you get to see the mechanics about the mythology of vampires in this reality. As she learns; we learn. Plus Jessica is awesome. While Bill and Sookie are at the Hotel, being all couply and dumb, Jessica is just playin with her human/doll, like any slightly emotionally stinted anybody would do. Plus Mickey was probz a totez whore. And Bill n Sookie go to there room but at least Eric interrupted them before we had to deal with another gross sex scene.
Eric and Bill talk about v-politics and wtf are they gonna do if hu-mans can take such an old badass vampyre like Godriv? They dunno!

Jessica then orders some man-meat. Sookie is part scandalized, part wishing she could be that ballzy and awesome. Now the writers think that Sookie needs more plotine! The waitstaff(is bellboy offensive? bellhop?) that delivered said man meat, is also telepathic! Sookie runs after him like a lil girl that just found a brand new toy.

I haven't written about Lafayette. Blerg, Lafayette has to deal with some serious psychological shit. But Eric came with some vampire blood and everything is a'o-kay!(??) We went from post dramatic stress to hump dancing a couch!

Oh and Maryann is some kinda minotaur thing?

just one of those

So i tried my first hand at recaping an episode of a teebee show and i'ma try to do it again. Because, well, that's how i roll...or something. eh?

[insert show's i'ma start out with]


Are these poster sexist? If i didn't create them but am still posting them sexist? what if i'm a feminist? IT'S ALL SO CONFUSING.

eh? eh???? ok

as long as we're still on the same page.

Previously On

Weeds, is one of those shows that slowly drags you in like quicksand or the prospect of meeting an old boy/girlfriend. Much as you struggle to escape it's easier to just slowly get pulled in. Right?

Right.

Nancy and Andy are waiting in waiting room, it's seems as if the past four episodes have been Nancy and Andy waiting in a waiting room. Waiting for love, for escape, for death, for Godot. While, Nancy get's all uppity white privileged lady (nitrates! heaven forbid!) on a some grrl about to get hovered (thank you Andy), Andy is doing what Andy does best being a payaso...science. Yet, in his inner/outer monoramblings the seeds of ill-fated plan come to bloom.

Nancy finally get's some lady2lady time with Alanis Morrisette, I mean her gyno. Alanis does a really good job in this lil' scene. It wasn't all....I'm alanis morissette.....look at me, tryin' to act. It was oh I'm an gyno, i like pancakes, you can trust me. And trust Nancy needs some laday frienz, even if she has to pay to get them. Nancy leaves feeling somewhat rejuvinated in that not at all kinda way, finding her salvation (at least olfactory) in herbs. While Andy, like most clown/jester, will seemingly spouting nonsense is trying to give her some semblance of wisdom, abort the gopher and head to Copenhagen. (I have a friend whose mom is from Denmark, and i would head to Copenhagen in a second. Skoll! or however you spell that) But like a good and scared mommy she is, she'll stick to the herbs. Gophers be damned!

Shane and Isabelle, are doing what teens/tweens(?) do best, getting angry at the world and fucking shit up. Srsly, we've all been there, am I right? That's why it's so embarrassing to watch/enjoyable to watch since at least Shane as some real issues; dead dad, drug dealing mom, mexican mafia, some asshole ginger jacked his weeds; check, check and double check. But luckily(?) he has a Ignacio, the foxy, in a dangerous crazy way, bodyguard. Not to be all creepster on ya'll but Ignacio is kinda hot? Whatever he has a charming smile. Even when (especially when?) he's shooting that gun freakin' er'body out and givin the kids hope for justice. Old school eye for an eye justice that tweens love.

Meanwhile in the batcave, Nancy finds the Joker, I mean Celia hiding between the manure and the Coldspot. That's where I left her! As Nancy freaks out and Celia begs and threatens in that self-depricating/aggressive way, you know how she do. Nancy out of the goodness of her heart(maybe it's the Mexican baby growing insider her)/not needing to deal with this shit, let's her stay. But soon our Celia, our precious Celia, soon discovers DEAD MEXICAN. I always knew that Celia was a big ole racist, but it's still endearing? And to be completely truthful this show has done nothing to dispell any mexican stereotypes. (I'm pulling for Ignacio to do that, fingers crossed!) Nancy lickity-split rings up daddy mexi-bucks(it' not racist if i'm latino, right?...right?) aka Esteban. To handle it.

Handling their own bizznazz is Botwen and Hodes, (I smell spinoff! a la Laverne and Shirley but with drugs and ass-kicking). They bust in on Ginger being incredibly lame playing his theremin along to smooth jazz, something he undoubtedly does every Tuesday after he get's stoned, Wednesday and Thursday is reserved So You Think You Can Dance, (the costumes the music! what's not to love, right?) After some quips by Ginger and bravado from Botwen/Hodes, enter Ignacio with a powerful kidney punch, (so hawt rite?), and Ginger is down! Botwen/Hodes give teach. a lil lesson of there own, where they humilate him, steal his shit (zune! that's how lame he is, a fucking zune.), and kill his bird (heh). Pobresito Ignacio was visibly shaken, (so adorable).

Visibly shaken, as anyone should be when going on a date with crazy in order to get your hands on money that isn't yours was Andy. El payaso, has found himself in a role playing date. With a Mage. This sad women only has one dream one fantasy; fucking Judah. Fucking Judah forever and ever, well at least in between WOW. One get's the feeling that she thinks that if Judah stayed with her she'd be able to cope with the real world. Sorry sweety, once a gaming nerd always a gaming nerd (ain't nothing wrong with it). Mage, having spent most her time in an imaginary world finally gets the chance to live out a real life imaginary scenario! Does that make sense? sure! Getting to fuck Judah one more time, even if it is only with his gay brother. But her imagination/lunacy being strong enough, she was even able to make a hobo ridden pier (complete with shitting, crotch scratching, coughing possible vomiting) the perfect "lovemaking" spot. Andy visibly gagging, thinking about copenhagen, nancy, and probably the fact the "fuck judah, he's dead and look at me! I'm taking care of this family/nancy," goes through with it.

Back at chez Botwen, everything Nancy holds dear is falling apart. Botwen, Hodes and 'Nacio are enjoying the fruit of their labor. Nancy, peeved and wide-eyed, as she will, said something something right and wrong, (seriously? srsly.), Ignacio bless his him kinda put her in her place, not in a misogynistic way but in the, I'm going to tell you the truth b/c you've been lying to yourself long enough kinda way. Shane was happy, Nancy was pissed and Isabelle was just grateful to be with a family that wasn't hers. Nancy dragged Shane to give the shit back to Ginger. Then Nancy goes all bad-ass when Ging' tries to give her son an F. (An F? that could keep him from getting to a good school!) Anyway Nancy, finally having power over someone weaker and more vulnerable, relishes the moment and does some great baseball bat choking and wisdom giving. How she misses season 1! then peaces.

Having returned home Nancy finds Celia happy as a clam, with her blackmailing photos of Sucio being decomposed with acid in Nancy's garage. Check and mate you cunt! Celia thought. I'll get my Ikea! And with that Nancy is stuck with Celia and her toxicity, (where's alanis, nancy is thinking where is my layday frien). More bad news. All her herbs n shit are dead. Yes, Nancy no matter how hard you try Renmar is poison. Good thing you moved there! Andy on the other hand is trying to forget the dirty dirty dirty things that he was forced to do and remember that it was all for Nancy, (it's all for you Damien, all for you). His finally plea, go go go! Van Nuys Copenhagen anywhere. Nancy is too self-involved Armegedon on me! Thank G, Andy finally finally told her it's you, you do this. And Nancy shuts down. Andy once more pleas, break it off with Esteban, a note, a letter and Ambien, all things that will buy them time. But Nancy in her world already has another plan. Goodbye Andy, your crazy fucking and viewing of hobo diarrhea was all for naught. Sucks to be you.

So Nancy and Shane are off to join Esteban. Andy are Celia are now living in house together. Fuck.

Oh and Silas an Doug had their own plot line. The only thing that matters is that Doug is like a Shakespearean clown that continues to fuck everyone over and poor Silas has the (un)fortunate luck of being blonde. But they have a cute moment, after Doug screwed things with the pot agent, (samuri's had to be brought in) where Silas punched Doug in the face! (flashes of momma) then they have a good cry. Because well Doug is a replacement for Judah and Silas is a replacement for Josh. So hopefully their plot will get less boring.

The End.