It's a candle with blood in it; it smells like soup

Well here we are again. In the woods of Bon Temp with a crazay sex partay.

Seriously?

Lord knows I lurv me a good orgy (what?) but after weeks n weeks of sexin' it up, a lil' break is necessary, no? Luckily, for us we also have murrrrrder! Or ritual sacrifice (which ever you prefer). Poor Sam, after finally having some freaky fun with your Doe eyed grrl, all she wants to do is lead you to the slaughter at the hands/claws of Maryann, her local Menaed priestess/devil's handmaiden thing or whatever, she has a bull head, that's actually a mask, does her head get transfigured into a bulls head?? I don't get it.
Luckily Sam remembered that"oh i have super powers" and flew on outa there. While everyone started screamin' their heads off, all black eyed and sexed up.

Sookie and Hugo are trapped in a church.
Sookie and Hugo and Godric are trapped in a church.
At least Sookie called out for Godric at least to see if he could hear her, which he most likely did since you know he has super human hearing, (I guess it's not super human since he's a vampire, so it would just be regular...vampire hearing...)

Well well well, and now we find out that Hugo is actually, a spy, look out secret squirrel, True Blood has a basically non-descript white guy to one up you! He does drop a few truth bombs on Sookie explainin; how the human-vampire relash, is a power play that has set dominant and sumbissive players that cannot be changed or challanged due to the fact that, they are immortal and humans....are not....
Sucks to your ass-mar Sookie says: "Bill loves me and I love him end of story, lalala I can't heaaaaar you," and with a telepathic super blast calls poor Barry Bellhop to get Bill to save her.
Because Sookie always needs saving.

Bill n' Lorena are hangin' out in the Hotel and having flashback to the good ole days. At first I thought the Lorena's acting was horrible, but now it's just bad like sad bad. Like in the flashback she was clapping like it was an imitation of what humans are supposed to do with the sacks of fles n bone that hang from their soldier blades. UNlike the last flashback where we see B n' L having sex n blood and on top of a dying girl in this lil flash we see Bill as we've always known him kinda boring. What upsets me most I think, is that we don't see the middle step of how Bill got to be a wet blanket, he just is and was sick of blood play and oh never loved Lorena. Well Lorena's pissed and isn't get let him go.
Oh and vampires bleed if they don't get sleep. Gross! Awesome!

Speaking of gross/awesome, Jason really does the perfect, what the hell did i just do, look on his face after he had sex with Sarah Newlin. What did you just do? You banged the Pastor's Wife, that's what. And now she's in rubba-dub love with you and will tell her husband and everything will be great!

That is until Hugo reveals Sookie last name and Steve Newlin finds out that Jason is Sookie's bro and send Sargent scary to take out Jason. So that's not so great. And once Jason fights of Sarge, because Jason is awesome, Sarge goes to rape Sookie.

Did I mention that Mr. Newlin told Mrs. Newlin and Mrs. Newlin goes all crazy scorned and shoots Jason in the chest. Yeah, that happens too. (The gun was obvi either a dart gun or a taser, we're not dumbies Alan Ball.)

Back in Bon Temp. Poor Andy tries to tell the people that they are all turning into black-eyed sex zombies. And they're all like STFU drunk. (I secretly wish that they all retain the memoriez and are just playin' dumb to get away with the sex parties without being "those" people that go to sex parties, but you are, you are those people citizens of Bon Temp). I can't wait till Andy comes out triumphant, or horribly slaughtered on his way to expose the truth.

Sam, like Mrs. Newlin, gets all lover scorned and takes out his gun, it's deer season. Here is were we finally get an explanation for Maryann. She controls people through sex, violence and excess (duh) and sacrifices people to the Devil or Dionysus, which might be the same in this universe. Sams all "well shit" and that's basically it for him this episode.
Daphne on the other hand keeps swimming and then later on at night, she's still swimmin' and get's murder/stabbed by zombie Eggs will Maryann smiles benignly. And Daphne sorta smiles? or is that just the blood gurgling up through her mouth, you know I can never tell!

Meanwhile Isabelle, Eric and Cowboy hat vampire discuss whether it's an inside job that got Godric kidnapped in order to start a Vampire v. Human war in Dalles. Probably! Then Barry Bellhop shows up to tell Bill the telepath news, and of course he's snagged up by a Vampire. Durh.

At the end of the episode, we have Sookie being saved by Godric who is looking......not as good as he was looking in Eric's flashback......which is disappointing.


I want to end this recap with a NON-disappointing note:
squeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hoyt and Jessica are going to lose their V-Card (heh) to each other. Sure Hoyt is 28 and Jessica is dead, but it's the most real(realistic) relationship in this program. He put on "Bleeding Love" for chris'sake.

Images via:
io9
The Vault-True Blood Online

Mickey is a stuck up whore that let Chase finger her in the church

Oh, welcome back True Blood, 4th of July weekend was not the same with out you.

Jason just how I like him, confused/scared/angry, all due to the prank is church bros played. Not funny dudes. Then he get's all Jesus-y. This is really only because that was the last thing he heard. He's kinda like a parrot or a puppy.
So parruppy got all war n' light n' vamps aren't funny guys seriously, and it made everybody uncomfortable, including him really, he's just too dumb (by choice? I dunno) to figure it out.

Back to Bill, being Mr. Mom and tryin' to stop Jessica from gettin' her swerve on with Hoyt. I thought Hoyty-toyty and J where super cute together and then realized she is like 17 and he's, what? 22-24? then I was a lil skeeved, then I thought, it's The South, so I'm back to it being cute. Plus she's dead, so evz. After Hoyt is adorable and leaves being a gentleman, because that's how he rolls, Bill once again get's all stern fathery to Jess, but she ain't buyin' it. Good for her. She can kiss all the boyz she wants, she's dead n' lovin it. Oh and I'm so happy that she still had her vampboner, and was a like giggle giggle giggle, this is probz how boys/Hoyt feels.

Sookie, shut up Sookie. you are likes those girls that nobody really likes but only hang out with b/c they have a hot sibling/boyfriend (or in Tara's case b/c they are less annoying than their alcoholic mother and hey you have a house! and a supah hot supah dumb bro!) and they eventually just become your friends. Initially they think your sad but pretty and are trying too hard. but that's just who you are. You try to be smart and cute and mature, when in reality you still have no idea how the real world works. I hate you.

Anyway they are planning a lovers getaway/mission to dallas. At least we know now how vamps travel. Night Coffins! So long to Dallas!

Hello naked Sam n' Daphne, the great thing about Bon Temps is that everyone can be naked all time. Just some quick exposition, exposing the audience to the fact that we know nothing of Sam's past other than he fucked some witch/mythical Greek thing when he was a puppy. Oh and he hates the citay. Oh and that Daphne wants his dong, and she is also probably a monster. I'm not sayin'...i'mjustsayin.

Speaking of monsters! Tara, the face contorting camera monster told Maryann the awesome sex drugs and dancing monster that she is leaving to live with Sookie the self-righteous monster. I guess if I was a more moral person I'd be happy, but I'm just kinda sad for Tara because she's giving up free rent, food etc etc to live with Sookie, ugh.

Back at the Light of Jesus will Kill all Vampires Super Happy Funtime Summer Camp, or whatever, Jason and the boys are talkin' bout vampires. Lazarus, Jesus (drink my blood it'll give you super powers!) and Cain, all possible/plausible(?) vampires. And Lukez becuase he is scared of women, after the one time a girl was a lil disappointed over his size, and that other time he just couldn't because he was "too drunk," blames all evil on Eve. Jason, in a brief moment of intelligence calls him a dick. And he is; Luke. Is. A. Dick.

And then Pastor Newlin called Jason outside so he could show Jason his cock, I mean gun. His gun. Then they go around being manly and not all homoerotic, shootin' lil cut-out vamps. Ah, there is the rub; killin vamps, talkin bout bullets of silver and wood. Pastor Newlin totally got a bonerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr when Jason talked about Eddy dying. When Jason, Pastor and Mrs. Pastor/Sara, all have a lil BBQ, Jason has a beautiful /gratuitous montage about Sara bein' all sexy n slutty, it put Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" to shame. And then they gorge on meat. SRSLY JUST HAVE A THREESOME.
After some bating by Luke, sayin' that Jason is just a sex toy for them, after they invited Jason to live in the Newlin Residence, Jason was all like psssh naw, but secretly thinking "I'm gonna bang a preacher wife" but then he get's all confused because he likes Sara as "pure"

Speaking of threesomes! Actually nothing, transitions are hard! It's Tara's birthday and guess who isn't there, Sookie, Tara's bes'frien' in the whole wide world. So Tara is crying on her birthday, like we all do, right? right??...? I mean no not me ever...what? And right on que enter the super fun orgy gang! complete with cake! Tara says fuckit, let's party. As anyone that's always had a miserable b-day and is all alone would say. Let's get drunk and dance.

Oh and in case you forgot Miss. fakewitch got her heart ripped out. juuuust in case you forgot, it was also probz maryann, nice scene placement. Andy is drunk n' talkin bout pigs. What a crazy!

At Merlottes, er'body bored. And again like most people get when they're bored, let's get drunk n dance (right? only me? ok!)! Daphne is givin' ole Sammy-pup the google-sex eye. To which I and, Thank G, Arlene both go "psssssh pur-lease." I fell in love with the red-headed murder marryin'(almost!) vixen. Tara's sad mom gives a a gifty to Sam to give to Tara. What a great excuse for a prude to go to a orgy, I mean party party.

Then it's the partay! Or how Tara got her groove back. Get her groove back indeed. So, did everyone, even Sam! annnnd oh snap! Daphne know's he has an all too spesh connection with dogs. Then they all start fucking basically. With bodies, with cake, with booze, with dirt, with fists, what a great eyes turning black party!

In Dallas, Sookie is annoying drunk as she is sober, you ain't an adorable drunk sooks you are inane. Then they capture a would be kidnapper. And Bill takes of the training wheels and let's Jessica glamour him. That's what's great about having like a character like Jessica, you get to see the mechanics about the mythology of vampires in this reality. As she learns; we learn. Plus Jessica is awesome. While Bill and Sookie are at the Hotel, being all couply and dumb, Jessica is just playin with her human/doll, like any slightly emotionally stinted anybody would do. Plus Mickey was probz a totez whore. And Bill n Sookie go to there room but at least Eric interrupted them before we had to deal with another gross sex scene.
Eric and Bill talk about v-politics and wtf are they gonna do if hu-mans can take such an old badass vampyre like Godriv? They dunno!

Jessica then orders some man-meat. Sookie is part scandalized, part wishing she could be that ballzy and awesome. Now the writers think that Sookie needs more plotine! The waitstaff(is bellboy offensive? bellhop?) that delivered said man meat, is also telepathic! Sookie runs after him like a lil girl that just found a brand new toy.

I haven't written about Lafayette. Blerg, Lafayette has to deal with some serious psychological shit. But Eric came with some vampire blood and everything is a'o-kay!(??) We went from post dramatic stress to hump dancing a couch!

Oh and Maryann is some kinda minotaur thing?

just one of those

So i tried my first hand at recaping an episode of a teebee show and i'ma try to do it again. Because, well, that's how i roll...or something. eh?

[insert show's i'ma start out with]


Are these poster sexist? If i didn't create them but am still posting them sexist? what if i'm a feminist? IT'S ALL SO CONFUSING.

eh? eh???? ok

as long as we're still on the same page.