in my mind

CHICAGO

I’ve been putting off starting this whole blizzog (blizzard blog?) post, for I think, the OBVIOUS reason, that I can’t be funny about Ch-ch-ch-chicago. At least not in the same way that I can be funny about any other shit town in the ole U-S of A. I guess because this city still has a lot of sentimental value for me. It was the city I started being a real live HU-MAN.

So yes, my feelings are a little more earnest when it comes to this, the windiest of cities. On the other hand FUCK IT

Right?

I got off at O’Hare and thought, why is this aeropuerto so big? And why is ey’body so fat? And I thought oh yes a’course it’s the mid-motherfuckin-west baby!

So I took the trusty (?) blue line to Logan Sq where I am and will be currently staying for the duration.

I called my friend Yas, and was all like, “hey gurl how you livin’ where ya apty at?” or something along those lines. She gave me her directions and thinking I was “all that and a bag of chips” I though oh hell yeah I know this city. In reality I’ve never spent that much time in Logan Sq and even when I did live here I constantly google mapped everywhere and was lost pretty much 70-80 percent of the time. So I walked the opposite direction for a good 3 blocks and turned myself around and I made it! I made it the place I was staying.

No police had to be called, no dogs let loose, no search parties sent out endlessly searching for the body that will never be found because the meat has been scavenged, the bones picked clean and long since buried. No! None of that happened.

But I made it. I set my shit down and said look world! Look Chicago! Here I am.

I situated myself and soon was out the door with Yas enjoying the fresh Midwestern air, the ample streets, the trees along the side walk; the trees! So many trees! And not all designated to parks!
We got Thai and then we ate brownies that had a little somethin’ extra…nuts! Walnuts! We had brownies with some of her friendies from school and grrrrrrrrrrl dem brown were güd.

I then met up with my ole roomie Jax and had a heartfelt hug and talked about life over a beer…then…we watched South Park with her boyfriend and boyfriends brother. Slow down! So crazay!


After the pleasantries, reminiscing and a good night sleep Jax, BBS, his bro and I got our BURGER ON. We went to Kumas Corner, Kumas Korner? whatever. It’s this kinda famous burger place in here in Chicago and I had the most delicious burga evah. NOM NOMNOM. It had a fried egg, bacon and cheddar. UUUUUUuuuuuuuugh things that make you mmm things that make you go mmm-mm-mmm.

Needless to say, we had lunch at noon and I was full until about the next day.

That didn’t stop me from going to eat some good Indian food on Devon. It was *kissy hand motion that the French make when they talk about food, delectable. Dinner was with a couple of friends that I hadn’t seen since they last visited New York. It was great to see them and be able to have a conversation with them even though for all purposes we hadn’t seen each other in a little over a year. And even then we never really talked talked.

But it was way the hell on the NorthSide took my like 4evaz to get there and back.

The next morning I took another trip to the Northside.

BUT FIRST

I walked to Wicker Park and went to a bookstore that was pretty great. Old and musty (just like I likes’em). Then headed up.

Yas and I got Vietnamese sammichez. For crazy cheap; three fitty for sammie!

Then we walked around boiztowne. Passed the bathouse and thought hey you! Wink wink wink…I’ve never went in it though…what? Me? Psshaw. Never…

Actually never.

Then we went to the Whole Foods where I eat a slice of pizza. Only 1 ½ hours after I had a sammich. Food and weight don’t matter on vacation just like money and alcohol. It’s a thing. You know the vacation warp. We trucked up back to the apt. Had a few beerz and made some cookies up in the bitch!

Chocolate chip and chocolate chip and cranberry. AAAAAwwww yeah.

Another productive day this time with culture on all fronts.

Full frontal

On this explicitly adult day I went with M. Scott and a painter friend of his to The Art Institute of Chicago Museum.

We went to the only worth while part of the museo according to my artbro friend, the modern wing.

The one piece that really got to me was the Felix Gonzalez-Torres candy piece.

The premise of the piece is that, there is a space that is designated with different candies; the weight of the candies equal to the weight of his lover that passed away due to AIDS (heavy I know). As the day passes observers are welcome to take the candies ultimately changing the weight, which is replenished each day.

It’s a bittersweet piece. The observer eating the candy is essentially consuming the artists lover and the lover is revitalized each day. On the flip-side each day the lover wastes away diminishing in weight as he did when the artist lost him. It’s sad and beautiful and inspiring.

It isn’t dreary or tragic but essentially, Gonzalez-Torres is paying homage to his lover’s passing and giving him continual life.

Ooooh this just turned into art motherfuckin’ hstry ya’llz

It was good.

Saw some other art fart that was good but that was the highlight for me.

On the other cultural side, I watched Indian Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Surprise! I’ve never seen this movie.

Harrison Ford is hot.

That is all.

Beach day fun day.

Went to the gay beach, wore my slightly more modest bathing suit (it is the Midwest HELL-O), dipped into Lake Michigan and lay in the sun, as I am want to do.

And then for the main event. I had dinner with Theo and we went to THE HOPLEAF or heaven in my mouth. Nonsexy heaven. I had the CB&J sammich.

CASHEW BUTTER
FIG JAM
STETSON CHEESE
GRILLED

You heard me. (I, I just died in your arms tonight)

Obvioulsy delicious Belgian Beerz and then some wine to tap it all off.

Oh we saw a babay possum at the wine place after I had my sanish.

My God that was a good sandwich. It lived up to memory, which very few things can. The gooey cheese and the perfect ratio of jam to cashew butter…SO GOOD

UUUUUGHHH

Oops sorry bout that, let my just, wipe…this…up and we can continue.

Then I came home and watched Friday with Jax and we decided that Ice Cube was a hottie and we would smoke with him any day. WINK

Oh and I’ve been making a shit ton of blingeez.

I got my tourist on, on Thursday.

But first I had a delicious non-touristy brunch with Jax and Yas, at Lula Café. NOM NOM French toast and a bloody mary, no better way to start the day. amirite?

THEN I got my tourist on. I went to Millennium Park, took a picture of water fountain block things or whatever, the bean and the Frank Gehry auditorium. ALL ALONE

Frown

Pssh whatever who needs friends to share experiences and memories and special moments.

I sure…don’t.

This trip so far has been about reliving , revisting, re-eating, re-drinking (sure why not that makes sense, right? Sure!) my experience while I lived here a year or so ago in Chicago.

Today was about, I guess, new things…? I don’t know something about doing things that I’ve never done before in Chicago.

Like getting drunk and dancing, oh OOPS done that.

And my time here ends in a bangy whisper or something.

SUCK IT NERDS I’M GOING TO NEW YORK CITY.


Build your own Blingee

I fell

Chicago, or Chicken cargo as no one calls it ever, here I come!

So I stupidly got a car service to take me to JFK airport…so so dumb.

Because I’m just much too lazy to take the train then another train then another train or a bus to get to the airport.
Because I’d rather wait till the last minute to pack up my things.

Because my roomiee had a bday and we had to celebrate starting at 12 o’clock in the afternoon starting with BRUNCH at a French restaurant with beer and bloodies. And then because my roommate likes the fancy things in life I bought a couple of bottles of 11 dollar champagne!

KNOCK KNOCK who’s there? MR. MOTHERFUCKIN FANCY CLASS THAT’S WHO.

So we knocked those two back because why not? What did our livers ever do for us?

A lot.

Then our bestie friendie barkin came to our apartment. More wine. Then we went to some bougie cocktail place and had one bougie cock-tale each. Then we had some AMAZING Japanese fusion food. Listen I’m not a foodie, I hate the term and I hate those people BUT guuuuuuuuurl it was GOOOOD.

After we feasted like kings are at least like dukes, at the very very least earls…?

We went to some other semi-bougie cocktail place, then of course we ended up at Metropolitan the local homosexual watering hole.
Oh god I was about to make a disgusting play on words…Well not really play on words more like a rearrangement of words. Let’s just say it was along the lines of homosexuals watering their holes. (< --- see? no good, not at all).


Where was I? Ah, yes, so I dumbly paid monayz to get here but whatever. I’m in the plane truckin’ to Chicago. And that is all that matters.

PLUS

Jet motherfuckin’ Blue has MTV; hello Jersey Shore™

Embarrassing!

FYI

chicago is nothing like this



soon though, soon the wheels while turn again and we'll be back to where it started

I wish they all could

So I woke up around 12 cali-for-ni-a time and let me tell you something; it was awesome.

I'm sitting here in Aubz apty with her roomie writing in this ram-shamble of internet space.

I think I'm basically going to do a vacay round up and NOT right in this thing everyday like some kind of loser baby monkey man.

ASSTROOO BURGER was yummy and delicious and made my hert go boom ba-boom. But before that we took a drive up mullholland dr and saw all the pretty MANSIONS. then we went to a gay bar, in wich the night was called BIG FAT DICKS. Needless to say the bar was a lil trashy.

I woke up at 12! noon! that's 3! in real (NY TIME) then I walked around Melrose with D'smity (aubz roomie). It was basically like the scene It was basically like a scene from my most deepest fantasy. The fact that waking up at noon is a fantasy of mine, is something i have to live with everyday and I've learned to accept that.

I went shopping (gaycation shopping is the most dangerous type of shopping there is) and I bought several items one of them (my most favie baby one of them) being a gold necklace with a gold feather pendent.

YES AND YES.

Went to silverlake and had some margz w/some laydyayz. It was all pseudo-real housewives, but with the obvious and much need black lezbot.

Then we went to Griffith Park Observatory, of Rebel Without a Cause fame and I say the creeeepy bust of james. It was hellza weirrrrrd. Oh and we saw some russian tourist taking "classy" pictures of themselves. Not to seem xena(warriorprincess)phobic on ya'll but the russian tourist don't get what classy is I think. They have a vague idea but it always goes terribly wrong and earnestly slutty.

Then we met with some ca-li-fornia gayz and had some drankz. But srsly california gays are really touchy feely. I was a little put off by that. I'm like, i only touch you if I've known you for more than 1 year and/or am trying to sleep with you. Known of which applied to any o' dees gays. OR DID IT? it didn't.

BTW I was mistaken for Wilson cruz (don’t know who that is) El Oh El?

Today the ole gang, I almost typed the ole gayng (<--still valid) and I went to beach and sunned and frolicked. I got to see Malibu which was nice and I got to see the Pacific ocean which just felt so large and I got to wear my tiny swimsuit, which come on is every gays perfect day, amirite? After practicing being mermaids and wearing MATCHING swimsuits –slash- something that will here to forth be labeled “beach underwear” ???? yes!

We went homo. Watched a movie took a lil nap and went out d-d-d-dancing.

Well Aubz n I did D’smity stayed home.

We want to this thing called Cherry Pop or Popstars or Super Cherrypop, I’m not sure but it sounded thuper faggy, which I like. Another thang that I like? We got in for freezers. We got stuffed into freezers and carted in the back way. Right before we were going to be locked in we stuck out our arm and emerged ready to go out it. Or we ran into some rando and she had 2 other plus ones, which I guess in her sitch would be plus 3’s.

We were right behind her n’ her boifrienz and the woman at the door was like “are these your friends?” and she was all “…s…suuuuuuuuuuree, yeah, yes they are my friends, why not.” So we got special bracelets that woulda let us hang out with Kimberly Locke (who ever the fuck that is) but instead we didn’t and just danced.

THE MUSIC WAS ON POINT THE ENTIRE NIGHT. En Vogue, TLC, Maria, Brandy, Madonna, Robyn, Lady Gagz, CAN WE SAY GAY? Yes yes we can because we are.

We danced for a solid 2/2:30 hours.

sidenote: just saw someone with an Oberlin sweatshirt. We are a geeky bunch.

BTW I saw Andrew from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (lol)

Back to the story, Aubz and I were supposed to meet up with a friend and we did but he is what I’d like to call a searcher. Flitting from group to group scoping the scene for someone to take him home. He was sweet, just preoccupied. So we left him to his own devices and went home.


Oh I’m sorry, I left our the most important part. We go slurpees at the 7/11 before we went home.

Sunday, we woke begrudgingly early and went to the farmers market and gorged our self on free fruit/cheese/bread samples. It was amazing. And worth it. I also drank some sweet sweet lime-ade. Uuuuugh. Took a pill good time all the time.

Oh, and number two? PUG PUPPIES.

Afters, we went to Amoeba and got some records amd apparently I was singing something or another and I made a stranger uncomfortable! Hooray.

We then watched an amazing movie. It was amazing and a movie. We ended the day perfectly by eating pizza and watching Independence Day, welcome to Earth indeed.

Monday, yesterday I guess, D’smity and I went to Aubz place of work talked some smack and got lunch. Then we finshed my roll of film got donuts and simply enjoyed each others company.

Almost 5 days and I didn’t get a picture of a single landmark.

SUCCESS

California Love

I’m going going back back to Cali Cali. I’m sitting in the ole hunk of metal and fuel jet-setting (where are my white thigh high go-go boots!?) my way to Californie to visit my friend Aubz. It’s been aaaaages, (like a month or something) since I’ve last seen her. It would be more climactic id she hadn’t already visited New Jerk City. Thanks a lot aubz, thanks for making this reunion all the less special.

I’m my flight to Chicago, since I can’t afford a direct flight, even when I bought my ticket like 7 MONTHS IN ADVANCE, I was stuck beside a very presumptuous (<- who knew it was spelled like that! I didn’t!) women that asked my to hold her coffee for her. Well less of a request and more of a shoving a coffee cup into my paw and saying “hold this.” Well sure. I’ve been raised a polite Midwesterner, also I didn’t want scalding coffee to get all up on my lap. No sir and or ma’am that isn’t my cup o’tea. Sure if she had asked nicely or at all I woulda gladly said yes! I have nothing against small requests especially if we are going to be crammed into this glorified air bus.

A little later when the flight attendant was passin’ by with some snackies the woman beside me was takin’ a lil nap. After the attendant had passed, the woman roused and saw that I was enjoying my delicious, free airline snack, with my headphones in BEE TEA DOUBLE-U, proceeds to poke me and say “can you get me mine?” This woman as far as I can tell is perfectly healthy, robust even! So I just look over at her, I guess slightly incredulously, because come on, getcha own snack boo. She then amends her request, “can you get her attention so I can get my snack?” The flight attendant was already coming over, the woman beside me was wasting much need attention grabbing energy with me that should have been unleashed toward the attendant. She’s got the power of the cheese crackers and peanuts, not me friends, most certainly not me. So I simply raised my hand, when the attendant was passing and gestured toward my aisle companion.

I’m not complaining I barely did anything, I raised my hand and held a cup.

I’ve done more for less? I don’t even know if that’s true.

But wherever you my presumptuous flight friend, you’re welcome and thank you for teaching me the spelling of the word presumptuous.

California here we come!

What a day and stupid motherfucking day to be my last day of work before my gaycavtion! That’s a vacation for gay people! See! I can be just as dumb as The Wall Street Journal !

It’s dreary, rainy, doubleshift kinda stupid day. SUCK IT

But for real ya’lls I’m going to California tomorrow. There are several things I’ve been doing to prepare. Several!

There are 4 songs that I’ve been listening to in order to get totally ready bro! They all have either California or L.A in them. Shut up; I’m lazy. PLUS dumb. I’m lazy and dumb.

Lets cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck them out?

California Girls by the Magnetic Fields, because…duh. Who doesn’t hate California laydays! They are shallow, materialistic…basically everything I am because I’m a ‘Merica BUT they have the added bonus of being in a sunny climate. This is why I hate California Girls!


California Girls by the Beach Boys, curz at the same time Cali girls are big ole slut bags so what’s NOT to love?.......! These boys just love going to the beach and makin’ music. The one offensive is the line about Midwest Girls. They don’t know how to make you feel good. That’s why I’m gay. CLASSIC


Ode to L.A. by The Ravenoettes. Who doesn’t want to just get the eff out of wherever they are and go to a place in which the American Mythos has created to be full of sun, beautiful people, glamour and something else…botox, I think. To see how the other coast lives. To possibly (most likely) get annoyed by those sun-dappled assholes. Get a salad or something, I don’t know what they eat over there.


In California by Joanna Newsom because I’m kind of a sentimental hippie at heart. Seriously! If you chip away at the pretension and idiocy, I’ma flower child wishing only peace and love and the crossing of borders (unless you’re an illegal DUH ;( ) and the reconnecting of people and exploration of things that you don’t know and have never seen.


I’ve also been watching non stop Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Squeeeeeeeeee! To get ready to get my self thrown into the hellmouth.

WOOOLF HOOOOOWL Dananana-dananana (guitar riff) buffy song.


I'm out!