Oh, welcome back True Blood, 4th of July weekend was not the same with out you.
Jason just how I like him, confused/scared/angry, all due to the prank is church bros played. Not funny dudes. Then he get's all Jesus-y. This is really only because that was the last thing he heard. He's kinda like a parrot or a puppy.
So parruppy got all war n' light n' vamps aren't funny guys seriously, and it made everybody uncomfortable, including him really, he's just too dumb (by choice? I dunno) to figure it out.
Back to Bill, being Mr. Mom and tryin' to stop Jessica from gettin' her swerve on with Hoyt. I thought Hoyty-toyty and J where super cute together and then realized she is like 17 and he's, what? 22-24? then I was a lil skeeved, then I thought, it's The South, so I'm back to it being cute. Plus she's dead, so evz. After Hoyt is adorable and leaves being a gentleman, because that's how he rolls, Bill once again get's all stern fathery to Jess, but she ain't buyin' it. Good for her. She can kiss all the boyz she wants, she's dead n' lovin it. Oh and I'm so happy that she still had her vampboner, and was a like giggle giggle giggle, this is probz how boys/Hoyt feels.
Sookie, shut up Sookie. you are likes those girls that nobody really likes but only hang out with b/c they have a hot sibling/boyfriend (or in Tara's case b/c they are less annoying than their alcoholic mother and hey you have a house! and a supah hot supah dumb bro!) and they eventually just become your friends. Initially they think your sad but pretty and are trying too hard. but that's just who you are. You try to be smart and cute and mature, when in reality you still have no idea how the real world works. I hate you.
Anyway they are planning a lovers getaway/mission to dallas. At least we know now how vamps travel. Night Coffins! So long to Dallas!
Hello naked Sam n' Daphne, the great thing about Bon Temps is that everyone can be naked all time. Just some quick exposition, exposing the audience to the fact that we know nothing of Sam's past other than he fucked some witch/mythical Greek thing when he was a puppy. Oh and he hates the citay. Oh and that Daphne wants his dong, and she is also probably a monster. I'm not sayin'...i'mjustsayin.
Speaking of monsters! Tara, the face contorting camera monster told Maryann the awesome sex drugs and dancing monster that she is leaving to live with Sookie the self-righteous monster. I guess if I was a more moral person I'd be happy, but I'm just kinda sad for Tara because she's giving up free rent, food etc etc to live with Sookie, ugh.
Back at the Light of Jesus will Kill all Vampires Super Happy Funtime Summer Camp, or whatever, Jason and the boys are talkin' bout vampires. Lazarus, Jesus (drink my blood it'll give you super powers!) and Cain, all possible/plausible(?) vampires. And Lukez becuase he is scared of women, after the one time a girl was a lil disappointed over his size, and that other time he just couldn't because he was "too drunk," blames all evil on Eve. Jason, in a brief moment of intelligence calls him a dick. And he is; Luke. Is. A. Dick.
And then Pastor Newlin called Jason outside so he could show Jason his cock, I mean gun. His gun. Then they go around being manly and not all homoerotic, shootin' lil cut-out vamps. Ah, there is the rub; killin vamps, talkin bout bullets of silver and wood. Pastor Newlin totally got a bonerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr when Jason talked about Eddy dying. When Jason, Pastor and Mrs. Pastor/Sara, all have a lil BBQ, Jason has a beautiful /gratuitous montage about Sara bein' all sexy n slutty, it put Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" to shame. And then they gorge on meat. SRSLY JUST HAVE A THREESOME.
After some bating by Luke, sayin' that Jason is just a sex toy for them, after they invited Jason to live in the Newlin Residence, Jason was all like psssh naw, but secretly thinking "I'm gonna bang a preacher wife" but then he get's all confused because he likes Sara as "pure"
Speaking of threesomes! Actually nothing, transitions are hard! It's Tara's birthday and guess who isn't there, Sookie, Tara's bes'frien' in the whole wide world. So Tara is crying on her birthday, like we all do, right? right??...? I mean no not me ever...what? And right on que enter the super fun orgy gang! complete with cake! Tara says fuckit, let's party. As anyone that's always had a miserable b-day and is all alone would say. Let's get drunk and dance.
Oh and in case you forgot Miss. fakewitch got her heart ripped out. juuuust in case you forgot, it was also probz maryann, nice scene placement. Andy is drunk n' talkin bout pigs. What a crazy!
At Merlottes, er'body bored. And again like most people get when they're bored, let's get drunk n dance (right? only me? ok!)! Daphne is givin' ole Sammy-pup the google-sex eye. To which I and, Thank G, Arlene both go "psssssh pur-lease." I fell in love with the red-headed murder marryin'(almost!) vixen. Tara's sad mom gives a a gifty to Sam to give to Tara. What a great excuse for a prude to go to a orgy, I mean party party.
Then it's the partay! Or how Tara got her groove back. Get her groove back indeed. So, did everyone, even Sam! annnnd oh snap! Daphne know's he has an all too spesh connection with dogs. Then they all start fucking basically. With bodies, with cake, with booze, with dirt, with fists, what a great eyes turning black party!
In Dallas, Sookie is annoying drunk as she is sober, you ain't an adorable drunk sooks you are inane. Then they capture a would be kidnapper. And Bill takes of the training wheels and let's Jessica glamour him. That's what's great about having like a character like Jessica, you get to see the mechanics about the mythology of vampires in this reality. As she learns; we learn. Plus Jessica is awesome. While Bill and Sookie are at the Hotel, being all couply and dumb, Jessica is just playin with her human/doll, like any slightly emotionally stinted anybody would do. Plus Mickey was probz a totez whore. And Bill n Sookie go to there room but at least Eric interrupted them before we had to deal with another gross sex scene.
Eric and Bill talk about v-politics and wtf are they gonna do if hu-mans can take such an old badass vampyre like Godriv? They dunno!
Jessica then orders some man-meat. Sookie is part scandalized, part wishing she could be that ballzy and awesome. Now the writers think that Sookie needs more plotine! The waitstaff(is bellboy offensive? bellhop?) that delivered said man meat, is also telepathic! Sookie runs after him like a lil girl that just found a brand new toy.
I haven't written about Lafayette. Blerg, Lafayette has to deal with some serious psychological shit. But Eric came with some vampire blood and everything is a'o-kay!(??) We went from post dramatic stress to hump dancing a couch!
Oh and Maryann is some kinda minotaur thing?
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