what you need

As for me, having a panic/anxiety...panxiety(!) is not something that I would have penciled in.

Get up
brush my teeth
make breakfast
get to the train
-> anxiety <-
get to work
->panic<-
and that will carry me straight through until the end of the day!

Thank goodness I have a schedule or else I'd really be fucked!

In the course of 12 hours, I have become so fixated on one idea, one train of thought, one possibility that could become an inevitability that I have lost any kind of words to express myself.

I'm no Madonna at this moment.

All I can feel right now is tightening in my chest and this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach as if something truly horrible is going to happen.
Some kind of disaster that I have no control over or even know when it's going to strike. Like when the Empire struck back. No one knew! Or when the Terminator would come back, no one guessed it was going to be as a the governor of California. Did you? No, you didn't.
No one knows when anyone is going to return or come back with a vengeance or faster and furiouserer or even to be lost in New York! Macaulay, wasn't ready, how do you expect me to be?

restless and nervous, pretty much a moody, distractable ball of crazy. The motivation for this cluster fuck of nervousness is something that others would be excited over: the prospect of getting to know someone.
What if I'm not what they want?
What if they aren't what I want?
What if, after getting to know them initially, there are somethings fundamentally incompatible?
Or what if I'm not ready? or something...
What if, I'm just creating these problems because I'm a psycho and actually caught in a Twilight Zone episode where everyone else is normal and I'm the freak. How that differs from everyday...I've yet to figure out.



So,

you know



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